Time Out of Mind

Following the cliche "day after losing job hangover" day, this morning I awoke at 5am to realize that it was a weekday, but I did not have to go to work. No, it wasn't a vacation day, holiday or "personal" day; I just don't have a job. This is the first time in my life that I've faced this reality. I've had probably 15 different employers dating back to the age of 14 or so, but I've never been dismissed anywhere. Should the fact that 19 others at my company were "laid off", make this reality less stark? I'm not sure. Maybe.

It's now a little bit before 5pm on a Friday, a time when, at most jobs in the past, I'd be about ready to put a week of work behind me and step into a coveted weekend. But right now it's just 5pm on another day. I guess it could be Monday or Sunday or Tuesday. Fine, it's Friday. Most of my friends and former colleagues are getting ready to end another week. I'm fighting off furious urges to smoke a cigarette (something I haven't done in over ten months), an addiction that held tight for 18 years and is now begging me to come back.

This whole feeling is something I just can't explain. I've held jobs that tested my esteem (being a paralegal at the age of 28), made me feel pretty cool (Bar None Records) and made me feel proud (heading music for a time at SNOCAP). I've taken relatively large steps forward at times, while receding at a later job. And here I sit at this new place, a place that will likely take me weeks to get comfortable with. I feel the urge to immediately try and find work, but there's a large part of me that doesn't want this. I want to figure out where to next. I want to feel tested, and time will allow me to get a wider picture of where I want my life to be next. The easy way doesn't appeal to me right now, despite the obvious difficulty that everyone's having finding work these days.

I need to take this step back. I need to read some books. I hope to take more pictures. I will try and develop my friendships and my time with N. I should feel lucky to have this time. And in many senses I do. It's just reaching that comfort level that's a bit taxing right now. But I'm sure that it'll progress in the way its supposed to. And as the days pass, I'm hopeful that it'll all become more-and-more transparent. And if it doesn't, then that's how it's meant to unfold.